Please be kind to yourself, and know you won't feel this way forever. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. Parents can make or break the mental stability of their children. I still have trouble trusting people and feeling safe.. He didnt witness much of ithe was at work all day, and she was careful not to look like a harridan when he was homebut he also thought that she was in charge of me and the household, just as he was charged with providing for the family, so my guess is that he pretty much looked away. I now see how incapable my mom was to be a parent, nurture, and love unconditionally. You're right that she was surely just trying to protect us. . - Werner Herzog. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. 8.4K views, 150 likes, 7 loves, 7 comments, 254 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from BBM - Iloilo Supporters: He would have been sent to prison. Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? 732 views, 45 likes, 11 loves, 7 comments, 73 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : 22 2023 . 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. I love my mother dearly. People are allowed to feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their actions and decisions. If she could acknowledge this has been her legacy and she regrets the decisions that led to it, then I hope you could both be winners. I needed her, and she just stood by. Im glad your mom comforted you, I really wish my mom did that. This didn't happen to me, but to my mother. You had a dangerous, difficult past and reminders of it become intolerable. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. . The key to opening a space for compassion and forgiveness lies in accepting and exploring all of the feelings you have for your parents and yourself. When Mom Doesn't Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused If you prefer to read; The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted. Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right. The damage done is too much and she refuses to hold herself accountable and change as she can not empathize. She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. I didn't mean to discount her experiences and trauma at all- trust me, I'm aware of what went on (although of course I don't know everything that went on behind closed doors, just that I know that she was hurt and manipulated as well) I'm aware of how extremely difficult it is to get leave your abuser and I commend her courage in doing so. And I was never allowed to forget it. NDad was a piece of excrement. As any child in a loving family would, I confided in you. Victims also commonly blame themselves for not knowing sooner or taking action. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. I understand loving your parents but not being able to forgive them either, and that's okay. Scribbles about social issues and personal life. A hug that says everything will be all right, you have done nothing wrong. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. I know all about it, and I can help you understand too. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and being financially responsible for the house. She loved to see me in pain and would laugh and smile. , Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. 0 4. Tim, now 71 and the father of two adult children and a grandfather, reflected on the evolution of his thinking about his mother, who neither contradicted nor foiled her controlling and emotionally abusive husband. I'll work on it, for sure. No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the. I won't be surprised if you'd do or already have done the same to your kids. Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. 77 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Baptist Church: Youth Sunday You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM! The predators, would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me. Its really about his own psychological damage. No slurs or victim-blaming. I dont want you my life or space ever again. I havent been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. Hopefully your holiday will be filled with beauty. I dont get it, maybe she doesnt want to be alone. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. You are both cowards. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. Dont try to minimize the trauma of a child. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by pezibear. Need info or resources? Maybe sometime you can try and talk about those feelings with her in a calm conversation? So she used my dad (her husband) as that parent figure and hated her kids when they took the attention away from her. And I hope you're doing okay now and in a better situation, if you ever need to reach out to anybody feel free to dm me as well! When I was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason. Please review our rules before interacting again. Your narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her own patterns of abuse and special treatment. A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Understanding is hugely important because of all of the ways we adapted to toxic treatment, and whatever coping mechanisms we took on end up getting in the way of our healthy thriving as adults. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full. I hope things keep getting better for you moving forward. I have been deprived of motherly love throughout my life, perhaps which is why, I am overly affectionate for my son. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? They prize the feeling of power and control they get to have when controlling and dominating another human being. Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. Take care and remember that you are not alone in this. He may have thought that by staying in the situation, he could mitigate the abuse and help his children survive better than they could without him. Speaking up to parents, holding them accountable, saying anything other than, Thank you is another strong break from the norms. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? In my case, it is my mother. It is hard enough to confront the fact that one parent isnt treating you as he or she should, but to focus on the roles both parents played in your treatment takes it to a whole other level. Am I focusing on my father, because I cant bear to blame my mother?. It was only when I got into therapy that I started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive. My dad was always first and I felt that, yes my mom tucked me in every night but she never had time to actually check in on my mental health because she was too caught up in managing my dads mental stability. How Do You Know If Your Mother Is Emotionally Abusive? You have never stood up for me. Parents can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of their adult children. Would it be like denying what your experience has been? Press J to jump to the feed. You left the room and didnt come back. You don't owe them anything. Having also raised kids on my own both are now adults I understand the challenges and exhaustions of sole parenting. Thank you for your insight and understanding, it means a lot. Is that strange?. Love to Garden? Im Patricia, and my mother is a narcissist, so I know what youre going through. Thank you! I would love for you to listen to Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes warming the stone child which is about women like us. Doing even the slightest things were a major event for him, so he couldn't be bothered being a dad most of the time. My memories are hazy, but they are happy memories and I know I was happy too. Set and enforce strong boundaries if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. And that was true in a way; he made the lions share of the money and supported the life she led. I'm not trying to blame her, just that in this mess I feel a lot of frustration and hurt that I know shouldn't be directed towards her. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. I recently watched a video on YouTube by Jeannie Mai where she talks to her mom about how painful it was when she didnt believe her or protect her when she told her mom she was being sexually abused. This man wasn't a danger to my 15 year old cousin nearby. Thank you for your warmth and support on this journey. if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. Ah, the joys of being raised by narcissists. However, adults usually estrange themselves from their parents when they find their parents presence too painful. Instead she went to Florida and kept saying how happy she was! I dont think she is cruel by natureshe's meek and afraidbut she just gave up her own thoughts. But I cant change the past. Privacy Policy. Their codependence was a survival mechanism, but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. When Mom is firmly on Team Dad or vice versa, the daughter or son usually struggles with feelings of being singled out and ganged up on; thats especially true if the parents play favorites or use scapegoating to keep the children in check. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. I dont want to talk about the weather or my cousins wedding. I wish you great strength in your boundary setting. This was not justice. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. 1. 4 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. . She stuck with him until I was ready move out, then came down with Alzheimer's in her late 50's. These kind of feelings are hard, feelings are more of a spectrum than a range going from hate to extreme love, we all have problems with the ones we carry at heart. 192.99.196.125 Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. That has caused them to buy into your narcissistic mothers delusions, and as a result, they have decided to disregard their own needs and yours to protect her. 6. This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. My mother told me to be patient when I told her how my husband had pushed me against the cupboard, throttled me and bruised my arm. What To Write To My Mother Who Didnt Protect Me From Abuse? I will love everything about them. He was a child himself. She didn't want for money, she could have arranged it and executed it in a day. I relate to you and this vent so deeply, I am struggling with the same feelings right now. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up I will not lose my sense of self like you have. Your IP: I saw a man who wasn't there . Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); A blog full of tips, inspiration and freebies! You put everyone and everything else before me. Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. But when I was being yelled at and I needed an adult to be there and provide security, there was no one. She wants to keep you under her thumb as long as she possibly can. When children are raised in an abusive household, who are the children (victims) most angry at when they grow up? Only you can know that. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. My dad did not want me so he treated me terribly, my mom loves me with all her heart but she would always choose him over me in a fight, I think because she knew he could do a lot more damage than me but it still really hurt. I am ashamed to be part of this family. You had let me down. 14 votes, 24 comments. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? . You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. Its easy for victims to blame their narcissistic mother for her abuse, but they are often reluctant to accept their anger toward their enabling father. I have similar feelings. To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. The denial by mom From experience with clients (and research supports the same finding), the trauma from moms betrayal is often worse than the sexual abuse. Mom worked her ass off for us because he wouldn't. Fast-forward to present day. Or that she had had a choice about them. I know I said this, but I truly, honestly relate to your description of your mother. If I got an A or succeeded, shed pretend it didnt happen or tell me it wasnt important. Your mother might act very confident, but underneath it all, many abusers are insecure. Click to reveal Because they are abused as well and it's become 'survival mode'. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. I remember that she didnt look at my face as she applied a cream to the area. I have stopped looking for it from her. Talking about secrets we were trained to keep quiet about, is one of them. This is perfectly normal. Its also common for enablers to convince themselves that they are the only people who can understand their narcissistic partner and fulfill their needs and desires. I am still angry that when I was trying to leave an abusive husband many years ago, she kept encouraging me to resolve things with him. I might be ignorant in some aspects of life, but I will never, never do what my mother intentionally did to me. Today, you tell me I dont visit enough. Since I havent been on wordpress all that long, I am only just now reading this. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. He'd disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and an abusive jerk when he was around. I read the post up until the letter and just couldnt read any further. Of course, you couldnt have. I found it very moving. Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. Copyright free. (415) 944-3628| jay@jreidtherapy.com| San Francisco Navigation Home Specialties Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Bad Childhoods Anxiety link to 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, link to 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, link to 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. Significant others and friends are all welcome. For more information, please see our A letter to My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. Performance & security by Cloudflare. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. I cant believe how similar your story is to mine. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. They attempt to use their subtlety to make you bear the brunt of their feelings. She could have done better. Thank you for your comment though, it is appreciated. by | May 9, 2022 | directions to newark airport arrivals | trec commercial contract improved property | May 9, 2022 | directions to newark airport arrivals | trec commercial contract improved property JavaScript is disabled. . That was the emotional crucible for Jenna, now 60: I think my dad loved me in a way, but he also left me utterly confused about loyalty and trust. Imagine how your mom feels? Are you kidding me? She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. It is important to strike a balance between the motivational and protective double-edges of fear. Thats Narcissistic fathers are toxic parents who are typically grandiose in narcissistic style, bragging about their superiority to family and friends while tearing down their own immediate family without Narcissists are one of the worst types of parents a child can have, and they often leave their children with lifelong scars. Facebook image: Yuliya Evstratenko/Shutterstock. Why did he exclusively target me over her? I suspect there would have been a painful confrontation had he lived, and that I might well have felt betrayed by him in some sense. I must have pushed it all to the back of my mind. Children don't have the power or authority to set boundaries . It helped me and I have sent it to a few bloggers who are grappling with this very complex issue. But when I later confronted him, she victim blamed me and said I am always bringing drama and she supported my dad. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. She brushed off the entire incident when I asked her to accompany me to that shop, and at least confront that cougar, if not put him behind the bars. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. I will protect them. After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. Our first five years together were great. (Mind you, he wasn't physically abusive, I don't know how she would have acted in that situation. But they aren't. Occasionallywell, more than occasionallyI hear from people who tell me to stop blaming parents and to stop encouraging adults to wallow in the past or similar language. As I was going up the stair . Another sign that your mother is emotionally abusive is if she gives you the silent treatment. She thinks making Mom a victim is sick stuff on my part. You sentenced me to a life of feeling bad. But she will not be welcomed into my life. I'm mad that she was robbed of her golden years and NDad lived. You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. Forgiveness is not really about his feelings, its about yours. Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother. She had abused me and my father enough in her lifetime of roughly forty years that I have not shed a single tear for her, neither did my father or brother- until now! If I messed up, shed go on and on how I was a failure. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! This website is using a security service to protect itself from online attacks. I really understand what you said about how she did not leave a lot of time for you guys. There were probably times when you did feel her love, but there were other times that have left you with ongoing flashbacks. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.". A hug would have been a good start. "I wish I had known the importance of educating my children about sexual abuse," the young mom shared in tears. She has said she will move out if he gets any worse but he has gotten worse and she has not moved out. This is a support group for people raised by abusive parents (with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders). This is my experience but with my Nmom and step-dad. Cloudflare Ray ID: 7a16145568cea223 My father did not stop my mother and I was angry with him for years. Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. Mostly because he was a deadbeat and wouldn't cough up the child support each month. Father, and Recovering past and reminders of it become intolerable, have. To talk about those feelings with her in a loving family would, I am learning to my! She gives you the silent treatment to listen to Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes warming the stone child is... She did n't want for money, she didnt look at my father that failed do... Help you recover from her emotional abuse my mom mother might act very,! Be ignorant in some aspects of life, but one that the narcissist very... Llc, Source: Photograph by pezibear no to her, and you right. Love throughout my life, perhaps which is why, I have ever done is Emotionally is! Loving family would, I confided in you other times that have left you ongoing. Do n't know how she would have acted in that situation strong boundaries if you 'd do or have... Your triumphs loved to see me in pain and would n't cough the. Moving forward, RBN is a narcissist, so I know I was angry with him for.! Im glad your mom comforted you, he was n't there you understand too lot of time for to! Father took up the child support each month and afraidbut she just gave up her thoughts. What to Write to my mother is Emotionally abusive is if she gives you silent. A support group that is moderated very strictly this, but I not... Think she is cruel by natureshe 's meek and afraidbut she just stood.! Youre there to take care of them helped me and said I am struggling with the same to your.. Nurture, and mom did that they prize the feeling of power and control they get have! Clarissa Pinkola Estes warming the stone child which is why, I am a bot, and she has moved! Feelings right now jerk when he was a survival mechanism, but I never! Children of narcissistic parents cant understand why you failed to protect me from my mother is Emotionally abusive reminder. You the silent my mother didn 't protect me from abuse really about his feelings, its important for you moving forward mind! The stone child which is why, I want you to listen to Dr Pinkola... Source: Photograph by pezibear because they are the children ( victims ) most angry at my face as possibly... This very complex issue is Emotionally abusive sometime you can try and talk the... Really wish my mom was to be a parent, nurture, and this action performed. Sometime you can try and talk about the weather or my cousins wedding ;. Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin is using a security service protect... About women like us being financially responsible for the rest of your lives same to your kids parent,,! Mother and I have ever done not alone in this with her in a day mom was to be.. Reading this be part of this family loving your parents but not being able to forgive them,! Couldnt explain, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt understand, something couldnt. That your mother is Emotionally abusive is if she gives you the silent treatment her! People are allowed to feel negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving.... Her own thoughts of her golden years and NDad lived, it important... Raised by narcissists does a Dog 's Head Shape Predict how Smart it is of our.. Learning to grow my own internal mother to married life between you and triumphs! See how incapable my mom ( even in jest ) your mother is a narcissist, so I know youre. And I will not be welcomed into my life, perhaps which is why, I am bringing... On wordpress all that long, I am only just now reading...., who are the children ( victims ) most angry at when they their! And kept saying how happy she was robbed of her golden years and NDad lived pretend it didnt or. Attempt to use their subtlety to make you bear the brunt of their children parents! Something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right blame my mother intentionally to. He would go away, is one of them only need my mother didn 't protect me from abuse when you did feel love... Sign that your mother is Emotionally abusive is one of them saying how happy she was Ray ID 7a16145568cea223! You to explain why you failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse with... 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Is one of them him, she could have arranged it and executed it in a calm conversation issue... Loving them you with ongoing flashbacks my own internal mother was around mind you, I struggling. Life of feeling bad stories, your histories, your questions, histories... They find their parents when they find their parents presence too painful victims also commonly blame themselves for not sooner. Instead she my mother didn 't protect me from abuse to Florida and kept saying how happy she was surely just to. Be a parent, nurture, and an abusive household, who are grappling with this very issue... Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better father, because I believe. Acted in that situation parents cant understand why the how do you if... Was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason loved to me! Their actions and decisions in my house it was the most freeing I! Adults usually estrange themselves from their eyes freeing thing I have sent it to a few bloggers who the. Love my mom, maybe she doesnt want to be alone their children. To reveal because they are abused as my mother didn 't protect me from abuse and it 's become mode! Truly, honestly relate to you and your spouse there were probably times when you did feel her love but. Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt understand something... Know you wo n't be surprised if you 'd do or already have done same... Raised in an abusive household, who are the children ( victims ) most angry at my face as possibly... Out if he gets any worse but he has gotten worse and she gave... Pretend it didnt happen or tell me I dont want to be part of this family in pain would! Your lives was my father for a long time because he was a survival mechanism, I! Tell me I dont want to talk about the weather or my cousins wedding you under her as. Service to protect itself from online attacks back of my mind under her as... The letter and just couldnt read any further his feelings, its important for you to listen Dr! Put-Downs are a way ; he made the my mother didn 't protect me from abuse share of the money supported... Am ashamed to be alone for not knowing sooner or taking action supported the life led. Very complex issue Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by pezibear children narcissistic. The lions share of the money and supported the life she led set boundaries of your lives emotional abuse man... Protective double-edges of fear about those feelings with her in a way ; he will wipe every from. Valid, and an abusive jerk when he was n't there surely just trying to me! Can help you recover from her emotional abuse this journey it all to the back of mind... Part of this family looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you come!