Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. So why are you still with him? That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. allathian The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. Eh. which i think is what youre saying. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. lemongrass I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. You cant. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. So many people spend a ton of time with family. . January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. GatorGirl Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. Will you LWs simply never learn? And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. Michelle Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Exactly! I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. muchachaenlaventana We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. A movie? What about visiting your parents? January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. No, not necessarily. You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. if it works for you, thats all that matters. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. You accept him as he is or you leave. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. allathian Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. LW real advice. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. husband goes to his parents every weekend. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. This is her perception. LW, how about writing back with the details? He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest It doesnt scream big problem to me. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. Ann Cannon. So its not like every.single.weekend. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. Your problem is thinking you can change him. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). ele4phant FireStar IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! leilani Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. or just dinner? Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. Anonymousse The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. But come on, man! But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. In many cultures that is the norm. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. AKchic He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? ReginaRey Yeah, I agree with ron. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. Thats totally a lot. But she doesnt seem to mind it. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? . Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. SpaceySteph Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. Have you explained that to him? And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. Ok, fine, I do this. Schedule some girls' nights out. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? I am curious of yalls ages though. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! Then offer a compromise. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. Two things.. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. I agree with you. CottonTheCuteDog A picnic in the park? When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. I thought the same thing. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. The health of any relationship spend your money, etc that they have some communication! 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